Taking part in a study means that I get tested more frequently and more in depth than other patients. This is a double-edged sword. Although I have more information about the inner workings of my body, I get poked and prodded much more often than I’d like.
Today was one of those lucky days – my bi-annual bone marrow biopsy. Six months ago I had a rather easy time of it. The doctor administered a delightful cocktail of drugs which didn’t knock me out, but kept the pain at bay through some strange mix of pain killers and temporary amnesia inducing chemicals. It was so pleasant, in fact, that when the doctor said that my bones were really strong and bounced on the needle with his weight, I was laughing and making jokes (which at the time I thought were hilarious).
Today’s appointment started much the same way. They gave me an IV, oxygen and made me lay on my stomach with my robe open to expose my lower back. They started dumping the meds into my IV and for a second I felt euphoric and then… They allowed Kel to stay and watch, so he was able to relay the days events to me.
The doctor tried for some time to get the needle to puncture my bone, but after repeating about nine times that my bones were too hard, he decided to “drill” a piece of bone out instead of sucking just the marrow. Apparently they wanted to make sure that I was comfortable so they kept asking me questions which I answered skillfully in spite of being completely out of it. After each lucid answer, the doctor would say that I was still too alert and requested that they give me another dose. So needless to say, I was stoned out of my gourd. Which I guess is a good thing when they’re using a corkscrew-type device to remove part of your hip. Kel said that once they removed it, they put it in a vile and showed it to me. I guess I thought it was pretty cool… wish I could remember that. He also said that the nurse tried to saw through it but couldn’t. My bones are made of titanium. So maybe I am a robot after all. Science can give mice diabetes, maybe it can give robots leukemia too.
Anyhow, I spent the next half of the day in a dream-state. Apparently I really wanted a sugar cookie from the Subway in the hospital as we were leaving. I remembered this event about 6 hours later. Then I was still hungry and wanted a crepe and latte, so Kel satiated this need by taking me to a local coffeehouse where I barely remember cutting away at a crepe. Then I went home and started to watch some David Attenborough narrated documentary on humpback whales until I fell asleep. When I finally woke up I thought the crepe was a dream until I saw the coffee cup sitting next to me on the table.
What a trip. I’m feeling myself again… finally. My doc expects everything to come back normal but the results will take 2 weeks. I guess the silver lining here is that I’ll no longer be afraid of karate kicking anything in may way… cars, trees, fire hydrants, skyscrapers. My bones are indestructible.
